Escape Artist

I have a coping mechanism that I need to manage. Normally, when things get complicated, when I get anxious or stressed, or when I am so mad, I can't take it anymore, I normally laugh it off or just zen it out. It's the Arnie way. But there are times it can get too much, when not even a sense of humor can help. And all I can do is sigh in frustration.

What I do is I walk away. Run away. Scram. Disappear.

I remember I had a really intense argument with a producer who got me so fuming mad, I walked out for fear of punching him in the face. That was a rare moment that got my team shocked. Secretly, I rather enjoyed the scared look the people had on their faces. I didn't know I had that kind of effect on people. I suppose 'cause I am a normally very patient person. Mahaba ang pisi, as the old people describe it. So when I get mad, people are shocked. I am a volcano baby and boy when I get mad, I explode. I see red. No, I see black.

It's the product of years of being raised under a strict, Filipino parenting style that forbade a kid from answering back or reasoning with ones parents. As a kid, I had no recourse but to listen. And follow. No matter what. Parents are right, kids don't know shit.

Trapped, there was nothing else to do. Rebelling? Not something a 'good kid' did. So I would escape. Run away. Physically. Walk out. And when I was old enough to have a license, drive far, far away. I once drove to Pampanga and back to Manila to clear my head. A very expensive recourse what with NLEX fees, an automatic car and skyrocketing gasoline prices but you get the picture.

Or if that weren't possible, I escaped into my own little world. In writing. In my thoughts.

It explains a lot about why I act the way I do. Sometimes, I want to curb it. But it is infinitely a better and more mature response than punching someone in the nose or saying terrible things I might otherwise regret.

After years of this, I realize that after you runaway, you have to get back to the problem. Face it. And fix it.

Right now, my first instinct, is to run away. I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. I need to get away. There are things I cannot change at all. And all I can do is sit still, and wait it out.

Hopefully, when I get back, I can do something about it. Right now, there is nothing I can really do but watch things unfold. Thankfully, I have my Rock: my closest friends. I have nothing else. I'd literally fall apart without them.